Week of Paradox

The PA student’s clinical rotation life is one of continual paradox. Laura, my fellow surgery rotation classmate, commented to me the other day that on this particular rotation it’s like there is this secret code of conduct for every minute part of life, and they are waiting for you to blotch one tiny part. We never feel like we are given any direction to know what to do, but everyone keeps telling us to jump in and get the cases done. You are wrong if you hang back and just try not to mess up, but you are also wrong if you try to jump in and do what seems to you, the right thing.

There is very little guidance on this surgical team, and as this is my first rotation I don’t know if this is the exception or the rule. My schedule oriented, people-pleasing mind balks at this, but I’ve got a feeling that as usually, God knows exactly what He’s doing. Everything I’ve been reading in my devotions recently and the messages at Church on Sun. have all be pointing the same direction – to keep on keeping on in the face of uncertainly, mockery, and frustration. Key examples have included, Noah, Jonah, Steve Saint, and other personal friends. Guess I’m in for it J

Actually being in the OR is amazing. Truly amazing.

I sort of walked in with the naïve media-instilled pre-idealization of fly organs, screaming surgeons, crisis-ridden patients…. Thankfully this is far from the truth of the modern-day operating room. Everything runs pretty much like clockwork for the most part. When you walk in everyone has their role and during the operation, you become so focused and intent upon the task at hand that you forget about your bladder, sore feet, growling stomach, and inexperience. I have seen about 10 operations just this first week, and I am still in awe of the feeling of a beating heart under the surgeon’s hand holding the scalpel. Surgery is a paradox to me: these patients willingly lay their lives on the table to someone they do not know to be cut open and “fixed”. It is true that most of the time instant gratification does follow surgical procedures, but complications do abound.

For every ounce of love I have for the OR, I have at least 2 for my uncertainly and hesitance in the surgical clinics. These are often complicated patients with a history of little or no health care who only speak Spanish and are coming in for procedures that I either no little about or cannot perform – often both. My natural over-cautious self cringes at the idea of working up such patients, but I am trying to swallow this. My goal next week is to just grab a chart and go as far down each patient’s workup that I can- a variation on the Jimmy Johnson theme.

In summary, I love surgery. I love my surgical team – I’m sad that our two junior residents switch to another service today, they have taught me so much! I need prayer for boldness, retainment of knowledge, and most importantly – humility. As a student everyone presumes you know nothing, and most of the time I am OK with this presumption. Most of the time. With bittersweet afterthoughts,

Joy